Charlie And The Cocklet Factory
by Wegee769
Summary: A parody I wrote over a span of time. contains tubby custard, onions, herpes and much more enjoy.


Charlie and the cocklet factory

Once upon a time in communist Russia there lived a sad little boy named Charlie sheen. He was a sad little boy because he had to share a bed with his grandparents and he had contracted herpes. But however in his poor little arson and murder filled town lived Willy Donka the candy making psychopath. Willy Donka made wonderful things using the most exotic ingredients he could find. Charlie loved his candies his favorite was Willy's special cocklet bars. They were a very rare special treat he only obtained on his birthday. No one in town knew how Willy Donka made his special cocklet bars taste so good. On the day of Charlie's birthday he walked into the candy shop and treaded carefully to avoid the dead hobos on the floor. When charlie got to the counter he took out the drug money he had made and bought 2 cocklet bars. On the way out Charlie saw a sign advertising Donka's latest candy selling scam it read "SEE HOW COCKLET BARS ARE MADE ARE YOU LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND 1 OF ONLY 5 GOLDEN DICKITS"! "I'll never have a chance" thought Charlie. But as everyone knows In a children's book the character always has a chance. So Charlie walked out of the cocklet shop and made his way home while singing what is love and skipping. On the way Charlie was stopped by Ronald McDonald. The crazed clown dragged him into a alleyway raped him and stole his cocklet bars. The clown giggled and ran down the street as Charlie watched sadly. (BOOM)! Charlie turned to see a hole in. The sidewalk and watched fragments of dyed hair and blood fly everywhere. Charlie then released that the cocklet shop owner had strapped c4 to the bars. Charlie sat down on the curb and began to cry. As he wept a golden dicket flew down and landed in his mouth. Charlie let out screams of joy and ran down the street screaming "I got a golden dickit"! "I got a golden dickit"! Charlie rushed inside his house and told his family. Charlie grabbed his grandpa by the arm and it was ripped off. His grandpa fell to the ground and bled to death screaming out curses. Charlie didn't even react he just kept running around screaming about a golden dickit which he had found.  
Charlie then propped up his dead grandpa and ran outside. He then ran to the nearest abandoned parking garage. Then picked the plumpest headcrab up and quickly ran home. He stuck the headcrab on his dead grandpa and in 2 hours later the reanimated body was walking around and trying to kill Charlie's mother. "Welcome back grandpa" said Charlie. "Mom can me and grandpa please go to the cocklet factory"? Suddenly there was a huge bang. Charlie's mother was slumped down in the kitchen with a hole in her head. "Silence means yes!" Charlie called out happily and took his headcrab zombie grandpa outside and off they went to the cocklet factory. Outside was a huge crowd of those who wished to see Willy Donka for the first time in 50 years. Including the other ticket winners who had gathered in a small circle. Willy Donka hadn't been seen in the longest time. He stopped appearing in public and locked the factory forever. The legends said he did it too jack off in private. Charlie tugged on his grandpa's sleeve to get him to stop eating orphans. The winners turned and Charlie was able to see them. One was a chubby 6 year old and the other was a monkey with red boots. there was also a tall skinny fellow who wore a black suit and looked to have no face. Charlie couldn't stare too long without getting a pulsing headache. And last was a brown bear with pure black eyes that stood on 2 legs and seemed to watch the young girl intently. Let's go grandpa said Charlie as he tugged at the zombie's sleeve once again. Charlie joined the crowd and waited for something to happen. After standing for 5 days straight the gates to the cocklet factory slowly opened and one fell of its hinges. A skinny looking man holding a cane came out. He walked five inches and then collapsed And broke his nose. One day later the ambulance came back. Then the man crawled out with steroid needles pointing out from his back and introduced himself. "I am willy Donka the candy man as you would say you've found the golden dickits so go right this way". Charlie and the others followed him inside Charlie noticed the tall man in the suit didn't walk he simply was In a different place every time charlie looked back. "All my life I loved cocklet" exclaimed Mr Donka. I've wanted to create my own for as long as I remembered. And I have "I found a way to create the most amazing candies you will ever taste in your small sad lives". "My hobby started years ago when I was a lad of 8" "I found that condensing neurotoxins from the sewer and turning them to a liquid was a very important part of making lollipops". "I then opened a stand 6 years later". "my first customers ended up going on shooting sprees and so I had to flee the country". "I ended up residing here where I built my candy empire". "In a attempt to give everyone the chance my first customers did not get". "The chance to not become homicidal maniacs bent on arson". Everyone in the hall was very quiet with the exception of the six year old why seemed to be talking to no one. Mr Donka walked to a door up ahead. "Welcome to my factory"! he exclaimed. The door opened to reveal a large room made of candies with a pinkish brown river at the end. "Everything in this room is edible" mr Donka said.  
Charlie's grandpa ran up and bit Mr Donka's arm "NOT ME YOU BRAINDEAD MORON"! He screamed. Charlie ran around eating giant rocks and fell over on his side. He watched pedobear climb into a small hole near the river. The 6 year old and her monkey ran down to the riverside and began to talk to the air. "Hi I'm Dora!" Charlie overheard "today me and my friend Boots and I are going to explore would you like to come along"! "Pedo pedo pedo" Dora turned to the river and pedobear jumped out. "HI!" screamed Dora. Pedobear jumped back in surprise and fell into the river. "Oh no" screamed Boots "Dora can backpack help us rescue our friend"? Charlie watched dora take off a purple backpack and it started singing "BACKPACK BACKPACK YEAH!" It took them 5 minutes to get everything out and by then pedobear had drowned and was getting sucked up a big pipe. "This is the cocklet that I make my famous recipe out of" mr Donka explained. Charlie saw what looked to be white gunk entering the lake. "It connects to those tubes and is sucked out diced up and frozen into bars" "wait where did the bear go"? Charlie shrugged his arms and walked away to eat more rocks. Just then across the river a bunch of Teletubbies came out from a door on a cliff and started to dance to a song about them. Charlie looked around for his grandpa and saw him slowly limping towards the tubbies. He grabbed the nearest one and dragged it to the ground. The others made obnoxious noises and walked back inside. The door to the room they entered rattled and then the lights went off they came back and it opened up with no one inside. The tall man in the suit was covered in blood. "WHAT WERE THOSE!" screamed Dora "do you know what those were?" Dora again referred to no one at all. "Those were teletubbies little girl" explained Mr Donka "WHAT WERE THOSE!" screamed Dora for the second time. "Teletubbies..." He stated again they hail from teletubbie land. "You see they were heavy worshipers of the sun that provided them with a substance". "A substance that could be turned into the ultimate candy ingredient" "tubby custard". "over the years they grew fat and began to die off". "But why are they here then interrupted Charlie"? "They make for good free labor" Donka replied. "What do they make here"? Asked dora "I JUST EXPLAINED WHAT THEY MAKE"  
screamed Mr Donka "tubby custard which I'm using in my new candy I call it (Tm)tubbyum(Tm)". "the candy that can kill you in horrible ways or give you eternal happiness"! In the next room I'll demonstrate with the test subjects. A boat full of onion juice came down the river and the party climbed inside. The boat floated into a tunnel and traveled down the Docter who vortex. Then was spat out in a new room it was a long hall with glass on each side. "Here we make new candies daily some May progress and some will crash". "Charlie come here" said mr Donka Charlie walked over and Mr Donka scraped off his herpes sore. "Now watch closely" Donka dropped the sore into a beaker with chemicals and it dissolved into a gummy Mr Donka Fed it to Dora. "mmmmmm strawberry!" she exclaimed. "Now this is unstable If I regret to inform you do you feel ok"? "Yeah" replied Dora happily. Now watch carefully Mr Donka stated as they passed another window. Inside was a large pot of pink goo that 3 Teletubbies were stirring. One fell in and the others made annoying uh-oh noises and continued to stir. Charlie heard some weird noises and turned to see Dora's head inflating to a huge size. Mr Donka flipped over a table and dived behind it. There was a huge explosion and when the air cleared there was grey matter on the walls and Dora's body was still standing up. Charlie watched in horror as mr Donka blew a whistle and more Teletubbies came out. They chanted "tubby tubby custard"! And wheeled Dora's headless body out of the room. "Where's Dora going" asked Boots "to get a band aid" mr Donka replied. "Ok" Boots said and he continued to smile and walk on his merry way. "Sorry we won't get to see (TM)tubbyum(TM) in action today" blankly stated Mr Donka. As Charlie followed the group he just realized his grandpa had been missing for the longest time. Charlie tried to warn mr Donka but it was too late. The next door opened and there were dead Teletubbies everywhere. Blood was smeared on the walls and in the center was Charlie's grandpa. The ventilation pipes above began to rattle and broke in two. Four headcrabs fell down and landed on the decapitated Teletubbies.  
Charlie turned to ask mr Donka what to do but all he saw was a cane fly around the corner. Charlie chased after mr Donka and heard boots talking and trying to pet a headcrab. The last he saw before rounding the corner was Boots jumping around and clawing to get the headcrab off. Charlie ran as fast as he could and  
caught up to mr Donka and jumped into the elevator. He turned to see the tall man who had yet to ever say a word. "What's going"? on Charlie asked "its nothing" mr Donka replied "we've been having issues with the vents ever since we started using them". "Wait the monkey"? Charlie stood silently. "DAMMIT!" mr Donka yelled "there's another lawsuit against me". "How many have you had?" asked Charlie "I'm just going to say that your life expectancy working here is about 7 days at most". "Whys that?" "Well you can drown' get boiled' zombified' frozen' chopped up' incinerated' crushed' made into tubby custard' and die in the test kitchen'. The elevator dinged and the doors flew open. "Who's ready for the last room?" asked mr Donka "what was the last room supposed to be?" asked Charlie "well uh" mr Donka handed Charlie a map. He scanned it and found floor-3 meth labs. "Why meth asked Charlie "it's easy to conceal in most of my powder dipping candies" "and it makes people want to buy more" "well then welcome to the marketing room". The walls were lined with tons of TVs each with some type of commercial on them. Charlie watched a commercial for a car dealership called big bill hells and moved on. Here we determine what will appeal to who the most Charlie noticed the tall man was staring into a TV with plain static on it. He didn't seem to be aware of anything else and reached out to touch the screen. "Here we are probing hobos to find out what we could use to brainwash mass audience". "We believe teleportation will do the trick". "watch as I send this stupid smelly onion to a remote swamp". The screen flashed with ERROR three times and then the tall man appeared on the screen. He was in a dark forest and disappeared from view. "Oh dear" Mr Donka quietly whispered. The screen then flashed SUCCESS and the onion appeared in the swamp and was swallowed by a alligator. Mr Donka laughed and led Charlie into the room they entered through. "Charlie your the only one left..." "I leave my factory to you" Charlie sat speechless and finally asked "why?" "You see i have been diagnosed with brain cancer and have less then 3 days to live" "so I need a heir". I expected to at least have 3 of you by the end but it seems I have no other options. "Follow me into this glass elevator and I will teach you the way and tell you my secrets". Charlie walked inside and it began to rise and flutter. Soon they were 100 feet above the city. Charlie. Could see the burning school the muggings on the street and the car bombs all over it was a fantastic view. "Now then Charlie" Mr Donka started. "Never give tubbys more then 4 cups of custard per day". "they will become too bloated to work and will begin to molt". "Also..." Mr Donka was cut off by what seemed to have been a onion that hit the window. Another thunk hit the glass and Charlie grew alarmed. More and more slammed into the sides. Then he saw the sight sight Shrek was riding a huge flying onion carpet and tossing onions at the elevator. "GET OUT OF MAH SWAMP!" he roared. "F###" yelled Mr Donka "lesson 2 never try to destroy onions and teleport them to swamps". "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE YOU FAT PIECE OF ORGE S###!" Mr donka drew out a handgun he had hidden in his vest and began to shoot out rounds. Another onion hit the window and it broke into millions of glass shards Mr Donka went flying out and shrek caught him by the neck Charlie watched with tears as Shrek crammed onions down Mr Donka's throat until he bursted. And with that Shrek disappeared into the sky. The glass elevator spiraled to the ground Charlie closed his eyes and waited for impact.

CLOSURE  
The elevator exploded violently inside a pony orphanage. Charlie died a national hero for preventing at least 50 pony OCs from invading the earth with their filth. Gasses from the explosion also entered the nearby pony hospital. everyone inside was killed or mortally wounded. His grandpa was left in charge of the cocklet factory and the reporter sent to interview him never came out.

THE END


End file.
